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[C&C] Kerrigan's Raiders

#1
Storyline
(Participants: Sarah Kerrigan, Dark Link)
  • The Ghost and the Fountain - Weakened and with no equipment, Sarah appeared within the Nexus after her encounter with Omni. Recognising her potential, Empire officials sent a company of Stormtroopers to retrieve her. But what should have been a straightforward escort mission became a lot more complicated when other Primes appeared at the Nexus fountain at that time....including a boy dressed in black.


  • Only Shadows in Coruscant - Ongoing
    • It's Only a Bad Dream - During her first night in Coruscant, Sarah experienced a nightmare that brought her face-to-face with malevolent creatures from across time and space.....creatures that knew of her existence.


    • That Which Nightmares Wrought - Ongoing

If anyone is interested in leaving feedback for our posts, this is the place to do it. I'm sure both me and Sarah would appreciate any comments and criticism you might have.
[Image: LsiSHXa.png]
"To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. "
- Carl Gustav Jung

Ezrihel Wrote:I'm so glad DL linked it
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#2
Updated. The Ghost and the Fountain is now finished. Now we have moved on to Coruscant.
[Image: LsiSHXa.png]
"To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. "
- Carl Gustav Jung

Ezrihel Wrote:I'm so glad DL linked it
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#3
C&C

I read the Ghost and the Fountain, (will now conquer the sequel adventures!) and I'd first like to say that I can really appreciate how in depth each post is, the consideration put into action, reaction, thought, consequence and choice of each character participating, and the unique bond forming with Dark Link and Sarah. This one of a kind aspect, was well displayed and just in time for them to fight the troopers (well, unique, as a bluff was used- which I also like) and I found it solidified the bond, not to mention Sarah can hear DL's thoughts, and he really turned out to be a unique character, which inclined the reader to be intrigued.

During the bluff I liked that Sarah displayed that she too was taxed of the affair- but for different reasons than the ST Leader. I also want to mention that the tension unfolds itself into the confrontation that is dramatic and even paired with a visual quote involving the physical depletion and consequence that maintaining the authoritative power and upper hand, had on Sarah- and it didn't take much, just the way the "sweat" quote was framed, heightened a reader's aspect of the severe situation. The emphasis proved to be affective. It was also mentioned that the opposing man was sweating under nervous tension- framing how mentally strong Sarah's character was with a contrast of a secondary perspective.

I enjoyed the way that I got an immediate and strong interpretation of Sarah's character based off of her depicting actions. And I thought it was cool how she (literally) got into the mind of her opponent and momentary rival- the storm trooper leader. Because this aspect also helped to describe the situation from his point of view and balance and equally strengthen the Prime side. And the ethical question "am I glad I didn't have to kill?" gave more perspective on her characters's current outlook and priority and unknown past.

I also would like to point out that DL's introduction paired with Sarah- because he is mute and she is telepathic, is really cool and brought it together well- and was a bit of a twist- situation and all- it put a new heightened aspect on DL's character and the duo's bond.

Sarah's Intro post was really cool, descriptive and active, so I just wanted to make that a point that it was an effective "hook" on the reader.

The way Dark Link described things as he picked up on them, the incline rather than immediacy, a comprehensive crescendo- was a good foundation, not only for the character's personality, but for the reader whom craved more description, and wanted to know just whom DL was, and more, what he would learn and how he would act on the knowledge. It was a cool draw as "What he saw and how he perceived" became a priority to the depth of learning of DL's past experiences, and his current state of mind paired with common interaction and intention.

The emphasized pondering of Dark Link added a cool concept to the mix, because it wasn't just a question of learning, as DL learned about the world, the reader was able to learn about Dark Link, a nice twist as well. This inquisition happening as he approached to follow the STs and Sarah. Both contemplative and sudden as he was able to form a decision. And the association and link that he had identified was subtle but not untold. The ending of this post established priority, which gave power to the concepts that were mentioned earlier in the post.

This is not to say that the bouncing energy of Jak and Daxter went unnoticed, it helped to revive and fill in parts with the pattering of discussion, they added some dynamism as well.

Sarah's incentive to have an ally, tethered the bond between her and DL. I liked that- and then to follow the surrounding unrestricted thoughts of soldiers that couldn't be differentiated by their appearance, but their thoughts spoke of Intel and offered an impression of experiences and troubles they had- all were different, speaking to a particular sense of individuality and under Simmons' Authority, which defined them all as a united front very well.

An outside perspective like Simmons' can better define the inner perspective of primes, and that was executed well.

Lastly, I liked the way DL concluded the thread because the three last words in that particular order left some resolve for the previous happenings, but also a hope, or fear for the unknown future, I quite enjoy things like that, because quotes used in this way can bring a climax to an otherwise concluding chapter in a sequence. Not only that, but it can bring a climax to the ending sentence, leaving the rest to the reader, and so imagination and expectation form at that point, molded by an ideal description of character and attraction of the plot soon to come.
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#4
I already thanked you via Mini Chat when you originally made this review, Caira, but I nevertheless thank you again. Both me and Sarah really appreciated the feedback. :D

The list has been updated to include Sarah's dream sequence and the new development that is happening in Coruscant's lowest tier.
[Image: LsiSHXa.png]
"To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. "
- Carl Gustav Jung

Ezrihel Wrote:I'm so glad DL linked it
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#5
DL asked me if I would do some C&C here and as I would love to, I have finished 'The Ghost and the Fountain" I wish I had read more, but I'll get to the others soon enough!

The Ghost and the Fountain:

@Sarah: You have an elegant way of writing and although there are little errors like starting a sentence with the word ‘but’, it does nothing to diminish what a talented writer you are. I am of the percentage that believes you have to have a hook in that first paragraph. Honestly, you don’t have much time to capture the reader’s interest and you do a good job of catching interest right away as your first paragraph painted an unknown variable (Was it just a dream)and a sense of panic. Nicely done. ^_^

Mostly what I can say about your reading is that you do a fine job of showing and not telling. Sometimes I think you are ‘telling’ and you have tricked me as you were actually ‘showing’ me something else entirely, for instance:

“The Dark and the Silence persisted and did not change in the least. Not for minutes, hours nor days? No, that didn’t seem right.”

That literally starts of ‘telling’ me a fact of time being passed, then dismisses it ‘showing’ confusion instead. Well done.

So, she’s a military dog with no commands? Where will this take us? =O

Sarah’s entrance to the nexus reminds me of Samus’s entrance, in the way that she’s checking her equipment's power and supply, so far anyway. If you replenish your resources with OM, it’ll be spot on. lol

I feel like you have a knack for suspense and a talent for leading us up to something. 'Problem here is, we all, already, know the troopers won’t pose you a threat if you don’t. So, I’m not fully immersed in the suspense your building cause I know the danger isn't ever actually going to be there. However, in any other situation I feel I would have been enthralled with the upcoming troopers as you have done a good job building suspense.

It’s a good thing they won’t be hostile too as I felt helpless for your character. I had thought she would have thought of some sort of plan, but its better she didn’t. Know we can all feel the sitting duck feelings she’s going through. Again, in any other setting where the threat wasn’t already known as minimal, this would be an ‘on the edge of your seat’ read.

@Dark Link: He doesn’t know who he is? Oh goodie, this is my first time reading an amnesia entrance to the nexus. I feel like you will do it justice! Let’s see… =O

Wow, I actually like this perspective. It’s like we are all getting to know Dark Link for the first time. It’s a clever way to introduce us to the character and I’m jealous I didn’t implement a bit of this in my own entrance to the Nexus. *Learned something*

Hmm, I get that you were going for some serious character flaws, which, will overall make for a better story, however it didn’t click for me that he wouldn’t understand Omni. Omni who is powerful enough to rip us from our worlds should be omnipotent enough to communicate even with a simpleton? He’s like… god, ya know? This pulled me from the story a bit which is never good, but really… I’m just nit picking cause there’s not much wrong with your work. It’s a bomb ass read. ^_^

The scene where he sees his reflection is nicely done. Reminded me of Captain Hook when the older (Robin Williams) saw the Younger Peter Pan reflection in the water coming to the realization he was ‘Pan the Man’
^^I love this movie so if your story takes me there it’s a ‘W’ in my book! xD!

I though the Stormtroopers were relatively nice to us because they need primes? Seems like this stormtrooper didn’t get his coffee this morning xD (Punching you in the gut for looking at his armor wrong) lol

So, the troopers are there take Sarah back to the empire? That’s funny because that’s my arc I am currently doing in the nexus xD

What’s that they say about great minds, Sarah? =O

Well, I certainly did not see her earning a bounty like that… things certainly escalated quickly!
Oh so… she won’t be getting a bounty… lucky break…

Lol, Jak and Dexter have no idea what to think of DL. That awkward moment where they introduce themselves and he just stares at them for a while, not introducing himself back. I love it. xD

So, this is far more than amnesia? Forgive me as I am not acquainted with the series all that well. DL is actually ignorant like a brand new babe? Interesting.

@Sarah: I love the way you have Simmons touch on the morality of life for a secondary. Dope shit. ^_^

I also love how you were pretty much done here, but ‘telepathically’ left it open for Marluxia, the new player to write with you. That’s just cool to do as a person, from one player to another. Right on.

@DL: I feel for the loneliness of your character and I feel like this is a really good collaboration for your character. They seem to work off each other with the telepathy and the mute flaw, it’s a touching read.

Lol a mentally challenged boy swinging a sword around after a hostile scene just passed. This made me chuckle.

Alright, all done here and I rather enjoyed this thread. I will put some more C&C on the others at a later time. Keep up the good stuff!
Dante's Abyss 2015
   GRAND CHAMPION   
[Image: Sasuke_DA_zpsb4vizgxd.png]       
Mark Twain Wrote:"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
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#6
Thanks for the review.

Just wanted to first address this: starting the sentence with a conjunction, 'but' in this case, is a perfectly acceptable stylistic choice and was intended - not a typo. Many people are brought up and taught that under no circumstances can you begin a sentence with any coordinating conjunctions however, in nearly every style manual I've seen (and read) it is completely fine.

Where it becomes an issue, is when you do it so constantly that it becomes jarring to the reader. The fact is in grammar school we are taught that way because each conjunction (back then) needs to be solidified in young-minds as having a function. If I say SUE AND BETH, I know that Sue and Beth must be going to do something together. It's also to prevent sentence fragments in young writers. If the teacher suddenly said I could have a sentence like: And the guillotine fell, ending yet another life before its time. That purpose suddenly gets muddled. Problem with that way of teaching, the simplicity of it is never corrected at a later date - even to an extent in high schools.

Edit: Of course it kinda helps if the example you probably saw wasn't a sentence fragment, but in the other instances I do so - completely fine xD. Can't remember specifically if I did in that topic since it's been so long, but yeah.

Anyways, food for thought - and you helped us so I wanted to offer some knowledge in return~

It's funny you mention the Stormtroopers not being a threat - when in fact for the majority of the post where I build up this Company in White coming, They most certainly were going to be a significant and potentially deadly one. If Dl, Jak and Daxter hadn't arrived, my plans would have literally ended up with Sarah getting into a fight with no weapons against a platoon of thirty troopers; she might have put up a fight, but would have certainly been captured or at worse been killed set to respawn three days later.

Thankfully, this was at a time way back before I was staff (and a little bit after when I became a member) that I was pushing every newbie really really hard to join Sarah's intro - as you can probably note from the several posts from other players that never really go anywhere. I mean I'm like that to an extent now, I try to leave it open for others to join, but honestly it would be hard for anyone to just jump in our story at the moment without some defined purpose in doings so.

I look forward to any additional comments, as I'm certain DL does as well. Thank you again~
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#7
Thank you for your feedback, Sasuke. It's greatly appreciated. :D
[Image: LsiSHXa.png]
"To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. "
- Carl Gustav Jung

Ezrihel Wrote:I'm so glad DL linked it
Reply



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