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Book Club (Feb 20th-Mar 20th)

#1
Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up the month's 'best' story up for review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 300 OM (subject to change). Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great, Excellent, or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. Omni

RULES

OOC Rules of Conduct apply.

We encourage helpful, well-considered feedback with both positive and negative comments. Try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and negative feedback can be highly discouraging.

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Great' or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder on staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.

REWARDS

Book Club rewards will be awarded on the 20th of the following month, although it might take a while to get updated. Until you see a post in this topic saying "It was updated", it's safe to say you weren't missed or forgotten; we just haven't gotten around to it yet. No need to remind us. :)

We will give the reward to the account you posted on unless you request otherwise.

Those trying to become judges should note that Book Club reviews do count towards your total.

UPDATE: Book Club will now be running the length of a month, starting and ending on the 20th of the month. This will be done because the Thread will be chosen by the public, AKA the 'Best' Story. A bonus thread may be added when the popularity of the Book Club increases. We also understand that not all voted for favorites are completed and just ask that you make a note of which post you stopped on during your review.


THIS MONTH'S STORY


January 20, 2018; Community Star Winner: Marisa [Guest Stars: Taloc & Dust]
Thread: Black and white thief.
[Image: source.gif]
"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"

#2
Friendly bump~!
[Image: source.gif]
"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"

#3
Alright I won't be reviewing my posts since I'm not going to give it a review that wouldn't have bias in it.

Taloc: The two posts you've made were good though I can see a few mistakes like "Based on the strength of the breaching attack, it should be safe to assume they are prime" and where you've made a extra space that wasn't needed. Beyond that your first post I feel was pretty solid though. Your second post could have done a bit to describe the visual damages done since I did use a super to just bore into the ceiling. Beyond that I can't say much for you since you had real life things and required Dust to take the helm for the rest of the thread.

Final thoughts: Your two posts were good but some descriptions could have helped to liven the interior of T.E.A.R. Labs up beyond just the control room and Captain Keller. Also as an afterthought you seem to have forgotten the autocannons were active for level 1 and it wasn't touched upon at any point after. That is all I could really find wrong so keep up the good work.

Dust: Now what can I say, you use a much different style to Taloc, going more for the characterization of the people and something I really liked, especially when Marisa's exploits in DA weren't just brushed too the side. I will say you did make Keller fit the role of someone who knows everything that goes on in T.E.A.R. Labs and is not entirely that different from the role Yukari takes (essentially someone who plans and makes sure those plans go to plan.) Your posts were generally very solid (nothing I can really point out that I found that was wrong)

Final thoughts: The posts were very good and I don't have anything really negative to say about them so good job, also I'm prepared to send Kellers little dogs back to their owner.

But overall I enjoyed writing this and I will be returning to T.E.A.R. labs at some point so that should be fun.
                                            [Image: tenor.gif?itemid=10243242]
"While shooting concentrate your mind, gently muttering the spell to the Mini-Hakkero. Aiming at someone you don't like, a magicannon of love will be unleashed!"

#4
Post 1- Marisa- 'I'll is capitalized. I feel like I read the words 'as'(4 times in a single sentence) and 'she' more then I wanted in close space. I laughed at cucumber eater. I dont know why. I fele as if you used the word "Abilities", in a context that seemed more OOC or 4th wall to me, and its prob more so because it was capitalized. I'd be careful with that because I think if you are even in a fight, i feel this would really stick out if it wasnt just an error.

Post 2- Taloc- Normally, I dont like anything thats not in past tense, and even though it was was a short post, it was spot on, straight to the point and gave a good detail and understanding of what Marisa is looking into. I even looked for a screw up in tenses, because some people(maybe even myself) have issues with it 100% and i couldnt find it. You also gave me the feel that you are probably have some experince with being a DM in DND or something. If I HAD TO find a gripe, the only thing I could guess, would be that it's possible that most people wouldnt know what Duracrete was. I've been in construction, and while I cant recall if I ever came across it, I kinda know what it is or should be. Not sure about everyone else. Again thats just nitpicking and trying to find something to critique.

Post 3-Marisa- As, as as, as. Oh and as =D I'm starting to wonder and think that perhaps maybe you do it to not mix tenses up, but I fel there has to be another way so you dont over use this word.

Post 4-Taloc- You mixed tenses finally! But I think I see why. I like it nonetheless, but I'm not sure how the others would feel about it. It seems you use a present Tense when saying/Dming what marisa sees and does. I mean, I have no qualms with it.

Post 5- Marisa- Made it to paragraph 5 before i read more than 5 'as's. "I' needs to be capilitized. Other than that, i feel as this was finally a more detailed post than the others you had posted up to this point.

Post 6- Dust- I had a feeling that she was supposed to get a key. This was an interesting read, and makes me want to know what will happen next. Poor unnamed 'shoulder'.

Post 7- Marisa-... ... ... Waot all of this... was for some Solar Panels and wiring? I literally just laughed my ass off. I can't even. This really begs the question of What the HELL!?!?!?!?

Post 8- Dust- Well this was an intersting development. Kind of makes me wonder. Though, I really cant find anything to critique.

Post 9- Marisa- There was less 'as's again so That was nice, or I didnt notice them as much. Thats a good thing I guess.

Summary: It was an intersting read, and I made my own fun reading it obviously. I do feel like this was short and rushed, in total. Maybe it's me, but I feel as if "Storyteller" changed recently more then I thought it should have been, because I don't think you should rely on Storyteller to post every time you posted(granted, maybe I should look at it more like someone posting as a reg NPC, but since you guys used the word "Storyteller' I can't exactly overlook that.. I would have also liked to know more about Marisa(And maybe I will have to try and keep up a bit), because I can't discern if shes a witch, or a fighter or what. I feel as if there was alot more fleshing out that could have been done. Maybe even another 2-3k words.

As for the over usage of the word 'as' I think you use it in place of punctuation, or something, and you should probably look into fixing that part. Also, the 'she' thing it wasnt half as bad as the 'as' thing, but one of my first tips of writing was to try and avoid using words like he and she as much as possible, which you did sometimes but still.

I'd vote Excellent for those that acted as Storytellers.
[Image: hchh.png]

I refuse to lose this battle,
Let whatever come my way.
I am stronger then my rival,
No, I will not fall today...

#5
@Marisa

Writing
Excessive use of words: "as" "before" that could be replaced easily with punctuation or reworded to not be so repetitive.

I do like the subtle things as well. Bringing attention to actions she's taking while she's talking to Nitori at the beginning like changing her clothing is a nice touch in my opinion.

There is a lot of action going on in the next posts, a lot going on. And while there is a lot going on it gets sorta muddy. I am personally bad at this subject, so I don't have any good advice. ;3; Unfortunately. Other than talking to Moon Knight, because he's got this crap on lockdown.

I am pretty disappointed we didn't get any reaction from Marisa about the announcement made by Keller. I would have liked to see her reacting to things other than just the plain layout of the place, the attacks made, and the conversation she was having in her mask.

Character
I do quite enjoy the voices you've managed to give the characters you are writing. Without much effort, you can hear differences in what they have said and how they act. That said, I'd like some confirmation with descriptions. 'Marisa said sweetly, concerned for' or 'shrewd' or something like 'desperately'. Just to add a little more depth.

I don't know how accurate to the character that it is that Marisa is talking to herself for a whole paragraph. Yes, there is someone else listening, but it felt a bit odd to me the couple times it happened.

I like how she complains about the suit! xD It gives her a bit of a childish nature, but it also gives the story a little comedic relief after a tense post you wrote.

It was adorable that she tried to pay for the stolen goods and damages. =3

Story
From Marisa's view, it was a lovely story of getting in, get the stuff, and get out. With a unique but not surprising end. A threat to turn herself in or say goodbye to everyone she loves.

I don't know what you'd been hoping to create out of this, but what came out of it was interesting, fast-paced, and a little twisted.



@Taloc

Writing
The stray mistake is expected from all of us, and while none of them really left a lasting impression, we all can always improve. Where you shine is the small details.

You were able to lead Marisa down an adventure without outshining her character and that's an important quality. I especially like the cat-and-mouse atmosphere you've brought to this.

A bit more descriptions would have been nice, just a small critic from the person who picked up when you had your own life issues. And you were there when I had any questions, but I had to build what I thought the place looked like based on my own assumptions.

Character
Keller comes to life right away. Calm, collected, a bit of a dick, and damn it don't take his mug away. You managed to pain a picture that I was able to pick up on immediately after to write my half of this. It also shows that you don't need a huge post to get your point across.

Story
Starts out a bit dry and to the point in my opinion. This was the first time you've written for someone as a storyteller and as writers were always left with thinking 'shoulda, coulda, woulda'. Just don't be afraid to give your posts life. As storytellers, we are attempting to make a story as colorful and believable as well as putting effort towards the consequences of actions and the like. The first post was informative but not much more.

By the end of it, you had a carefully planned idea that you took delicate care to keep control of. Hopefully, I gave it a polished finish that you were proud of.


I would absolutely reward this a Great Bonus.
[Image: tumblr_maolcpnQS61qakj1do1_500.gif]

Warning: Anything that involves Ash should be rated M. Possibly higher.

Erik Vrell: Ash has a 'love' fourth dimensional shape//As in its wide and unfathomable for us mere mortals

Centurion/Venom: Look, Lassie, you and your overrated succubus are gonna get stomped so hard Ash's morality is gonna mirror back again.

#6
@Marisa

I have read through your posts a dozen times, easy. The biggest fault I can point out is the need for a proofread. I truly believe just about every one of the mistakes that have been mentioned already, not going to beat the dead horse with that, could have been caught and fixed by slowing down and taking an extra day to get someone to look the post over. Editing truly is as important as actually getting the words down in the first place. Now on to the good.

It is clear that you thought a lot about what you did throughout this thread. The few action scenes in particular, it was obvious you had a vision in mind and followed it through. Very well done. You voiced the characters well, making it clear which character was which through feel alone, something I still have problems with. This is a strong point in your writing and you have taken full advantage of it. Once again, very well done.

#7
Thank you everyone for participating in this month's book club, we appreaciate it.


Taloc 732: 13679.20 + 300 = 13979.20
Ash 207: 54087.00 + 300 = 54387.00
Retane 45: 39260.47 + 300 = 39560.47
Marisa 342: 17823.48 + 300 = 18123.48
[Image: source.gif]
"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"



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