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New Age Book Club: Summer - June - 2019

#1
Welcome to the Book Club here on the Omniverse!!

It's a new staff, new year, new situations. So why not New Book Club? After some trial and error, I've tossed out yet another attempt. I'm going rogue!!
Please don't tell Daniel...


RULES!!

In addition to the usual OoC Rules of Conduct, we encourage helpful, well-considered, constructive feedback with both positive and negative comments. Please try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and overly negative feedback is highly discouraged. What we are looking for are patient people who can look at a piece objectively but with a delicate and tactful touch to their criticism. Anyone who is found excessively ruthless in their commentary will find themselves unable to participate.

If we have picked a piece that you participated in as well, you are allowed and encouraged to join in on the activities as long as there are more members involved than just yourself. This is because self-criticism does not count toward the 150 minimum words as covered by the guidelines(See below).

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Good', 'Great', or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and an individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder on staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.


Book Club Material

How we will be choosing the new submissions will vary on activity among the current members. Know that we are searching the entire Omniverse, new and old work alike, for a variety of stories. Our agents are watching the accolades, recent stories, and reaching into the achieves for possible threads.

We are not just looking for the best stories that the site can provide us with, as writers we should hone our ability to give feedback in a professional and personal way. By doing so we can offer our voices and experience to those around us, and give an example of what kind of criticism we'd like in return for a later date.

If anyone has any stories they'd like to offer for future book clubs, please PM Dust or Moon Knight with these suggestions.


REWARDS

By participating you will earn Bonus OM, naturally.


200 or 300 OM will be rewarded for the Short Story of the month, depending on the size of the thread. Threads that belong to this category can be anywhere from 3,000 words to 10,000 words or less.

350 or 450 OM will be rewarded for the Novella of the month, depending on the size of the thread. Threads that belong to this category can be anywhere between 10,000 words to 30,000 words.

500 OM will be rewarded for the Seasonal story. This reward can only be claimed one of the three months the story will be featured. This category can be 40,000 plus words with no upper cap.

As a completely voluntary activity, feel free to review one, two, or all of the three categories. We do ask that you specify which one you are participating and make it clear which one you are criticising at any time. Generally with some sort of coding or labels. Do not feel as if you need to do all three in one go, post twice/thrice if you wish to do all three this month.

The bonuses will stack accordingly, but we will only honor one Seasonal bonus per three months. (They will follow the seasons: Summer, Winter, Fall, Spring.)


Entries

Short Story
Dug this out of the snow. Given its Gamzee and Strazio, should be good. But we do have to ask, which one is the Frozen Fool?

Novella
A quest started just shy a year ago, The Past Unbound... finished not too long ago and should be an interesting read.

Seasonal!
As a reminder, this thread will be available through all of Summer. And it only felt appropriate that we revisit the old Beach Thread Episode.
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"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"
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#2
Quote:Doing something new here cause wow Frozen Fool was a freaking blast. 


Frozen Fool 


Mechanics: Nothing really bad that I could see, maybe a few misspelled or missing word.

Plotting/Pacing: There's a good word to describe this thread; It's a freaking one shot but wait it's not only played out like a one-shot it folds out as something someone could stay tuned and read. And when I say that I'm meaning like this (And it probably is) is the start of a branching adventuring storyline. Good job guys. 

Characterization: I love the characters in this thread like the dialogue is spot on and dear god is Renzo just a loveable character. (Where can I read more of him?) 

Aesthetic/Creativity: It's great, nuff said. 

Final Comments: My original notes says it all. [Image: 20190611_225319_Film1.jpg?width=893&height=670] 
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#3
I'll be doing all three but for now it's the Frozen fool.

I really enjoyed this little thread by Gamzee and Strazio. First off I'll talk about some of the good the thread did. Renzo was amazing from start to end, his over the top antics made everything that little bit crazier and fit well with the almost comedic style one could stick both Strazio and Gamzee under when they work together (think something like Llama's with hats). I also enjoyed the differences between the two characters and how the writers write them. letting both shine in certain aspects while not overshadowing the other.

Now for some of the stuff I didn't like. I feel like the length could be a bit longer but for all intended purposes as far as I can tell it didn't really need an increase in length and me wanting it a bit longer is just a wish for more Renzo. While I did love Renzo I'm not sure how I would feel about his antics a few threads from now if this was all he did. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed what he did, but I feel like if you were to use him again you'd need to find a way to make him enjoyable as more than a one off character.

Final comments: This story was really enjoyable to read and I hope to read more.
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"While shooting concentrate your mind, gently muttering the spell to the Mini-Hakkero. Aiming at someone you don't like, a magicannon of love will be unleashed!"
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#4
I tried to do this the professional way before and lost my work... So I will just do short an effective critic.


Frozen Fool by Gamzee and Strazio

The Good
Reading this I went through a magical yet short adventure that had me rolling with laughter. But it carried with it the main things you need for a good story. A goal, conflict, a group effort to deal with that conflict, and a rewarding end. Gamzee and Strazio have a chemistry between them that I am always in awe of when watching. When reading this, it felt like the two writers were playing to the same beat throughout the whole thing. They each had a different style and added to it in their own way, but it was a match made in the dataverse: O-Harmony style. 

The comedy here is really strong. I love me some good humor. But Strazio brought the gasp factor by just straight up breaking the guy's what-chu-ma-call-it. When I read that, I needed a damn moment to realize what I had just witnessed. LOL.

The Bad
While there were very little errors in the way of writing - at least that I could tell - my problem came in the form of not knowing who the heck was speaking first. I love how it all was very true to the character, but I would have liked some indication from Gamzee about who was talking in some places. Really, that's about the only negative I have about the piece. Would I like more from this duo? Hell yes, but this was obviously a transition thread.

Final Thoughts?
Uh... Don't Tussle with the Mussle, man. Just don't do it.



The Past Unbound by Retane and Jak Mar

The Good
The goal and the purpose of this thread was met. We have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Things got crazy, things got creative, and things got h-... Difficult. The fight scene in the bathroom was entertaining and interesting. As the star of this thread, Jak was the main focus, which was nice. J-Girl continued what she started in DA and rolled with it here. Giving Jak's sides more personality and stories of their own.

The Bad
There are a lot of posts here that didn't really feel like it added to the story, or the goal. A lot of filler, but not always a good kind. Between the changes in scenes without warning or indication of and the stuff I feel could have been cut out personally, my advice is proof reading. Not just for mistakes in spelling or grammar - which were also present in bits and parts - but for ideas. In particular, the Dendea gag about people saying his name was beyond over the top, and pretty forced. The parts with Light and Dark were good ideas, but the execusion was plenty questionable. 

Final Thoughts?
I am Ash, and I approve of the dick jokes.
[Image: tumblr_maolcpnQS61qakj1do1_500.gif]

Warning: Anything that involves Ash should be rated M. Possibly higher.

Erik Vrell: Ash has a 'love' fourth dimensional shape//As in its wide and unfathomable for us mere mortals

Centurion/Venom: Look, Lassie, you and your overrated succubus are gonna get stomped so hard Ash's morality is gonna mirror back again.
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#5
Freindly Werewolf Reminder:

The time to cash in on a review for the Short Story and Novella will end tomorrow during my Midnight.

The Seasonal thread will still be available July and August so no rush on that yet.
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"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"
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#6
Frozen fool

Reactions:
Gamzee #1
▪ It’s weird to read Gamzee after Homestuck. Heck, it’s weird to read Gamzee AFTER THE EPILOGUES!
▪ Immediately captured the spirit of Gamzee in the prose.
▪ Jade is Karkat’s babysitter. XDDD
▪ You never established you had a companion with you. Probably intentional.
▪ Would have been nice to get his name at least though…
▪ Wait, the guy was strazzio? Then who was the guy waiting for him? I think I got confuse there. My bad!
▪ Perfect ending to first post xD


Strazio #1
• Will be endlessly amused by screaming man
• Gamzee’s is so stylized in his approach, feels wild to jump from one to another
• Fuck Enel
• Ooh, nice touch with Gamzee noting Enel’s proposed godhood! Considering his religious background… I wonder if Staz noted that himself.
• Lightning fucked xDDD
• I don’t have Strazio’s character down yet, but he capture’s Gamzee absolutely perfectly :O
• Nice little moment when Strazio apologized for bailing on Gamzee. I can tell he’s not telling him something.
• Renzo the giant 0.0;
• VUVUZELA!! XDDD
• VUVUZELA!! DDDx
• STRAZIO IS EVIL!

Gamzee #2
• Hmmm, a little inconsistency. Gamzee was laughing his ass off at the end of Strazio’s post, but now it says Gamzee was saddened. Either the writer missed that part or Strazio misjudged his character and had to retcon. I’m not in the position to judge which.
• I keep forgetting primes can summon things xD
• It’s nice of Gamzee to build him a new vuvuzela!
• Like Andrew Hussie before you, you have a knack for giving reverence to the mundane

Strazio #2
• DONNYBROOK! OMFG!
• “Now what brings you fine gentleman this from civilization?” <==typo
• OHHHHHHH!!! Okay, they are off to pick up Karkat! God it! ^^
• I love how Gamzee and Renzo are teaming up to lead Strazio out of his comfort zone. xDDD

Gamzee #3
• So much horn blowing.
• I love how much Gamzee idolizes Karkat xDD I wonder if they are moirails…
• “The Cancer of my life!” OMFG! That’s a fucking good one! Pffft!
• Suddenly robot grandpa xD I’m assuming he’s from Jade’s writing, but still…
• Hahaha, I didn’t even make the connection between Karkat and Straz! Two very very angry characters bonding, dating the same clown…
• It looks like Straz just learned disturbing news on the phone, but really his phone sex partner hasn’t responded in three days and he needs to go check in.
• In a twist of fate, the phone sex partner turns out to be a Equius.


Final Review:
The two of them play off each other well! Strazio gave the story a foundation, introducing Renzo and getting a conflict going with him. Gamzee just kind of responded to him and escalated things into his own Gamzee way! I was impressed both was able to write the character considering Gamz is a tricky character to portray. (I showed samples of Straz's writing of Gamzee to my HS base and they were impressed!)
I don't know as much about Strazio (outside the anger thing,) but I was pretty much sold on the guy by the end of the thread! I love his interactions with Renzo, getting pissed off at the Vuvuzela playing hahaha! I really like how he was forced to put up with Renzo and he basically just became a butthurt tagalong. I wonder what happened that made him want to leave the Frozen Fields...
Both had impressive diction! I even learned a few new words! :O
I did notice one inconsistency. In post 3, Gamz retconned from his character laughing his ass off at the destroyed vuvuzela, to being sad about it. It's a tiny moment that probably doesn't matter but it is a little distracting. Other than that, the flow from post to post is pretty good!
Oh yeah, and Renzo was a fun character! I wouldn't be shocked if I wasn't the first person to compliment him! xD He's just really fun, and I like how Gamz and him just kind of team up against Gamzee.

Anyways, I quite enjoyed that! I think both writers deserve the rank of Great!
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#7
Past Unbound...

Mechanics: From reading the thread there were a few grammatical errors from both you Jak and Retane. Most of which are simple mistakes such as spelling of missing words. This all can be fixed by simply rereading your work and or having someone else read over what you have written. Be sure to take your time on posts as well, it's never a bad idea to wait on posting what you have and taking a few moments out of your day to look for common errors and correct them.

Plotting/Pacing: To be brutally honest I was not a big fan of reading this one mainly because of how the plot consisted of fighting one gang in a prison throughout. It almost felt like you both were trying to fill in the word count before officially getting on with the story and doing what Jak and Retane officially came to the prison to do, assassinate someone. Repeating the same group of bad guys three times also made the story not sound fluid and natural, it isn't a good thing to readers. I'm also not a fan of potty humor though Ash would argue, I think there are other ways to get a laugh or chuckle from the reader. Talking to you personally Jak I feel like you alone, without Retane's character probably could have done better because when you work on solo threads and really push yourself you make really thought-provoking and meaningful plots, that which I enjoy and others I would hope as well.

Characterization: Love Jak throughout this thread and I really enjoy it when both his Light and Dark Eco side speak. Both of them in their respected game never really did speak but you doing it really fits. I got this serious Jekal and Hyde vibe from reading both of their dialogues. Retane's character, however, felt really reactionary and besides the brashness and the confidence all we got to see from Dante was the "Am I as great as my dad trope." Which isn't bad it's just all we got from him. I'm a man for drama in my literature, I would have loved to see Dante breakdown and just say do I do better than my father or am I worse? Anyways that's all I can think of for characterization.

Aesthetic/Creativity: Pretty much just a prison and the generic prison gangs. I feel like y'all could have done more with the setting like as a writer you should be painting pictures for the reader and these pictures should be grand and glorious stuff that makes the reader imagine the setting and get them to ask how they would feel being in a place like that.

Final Comments: Overall though this wasn't by far the worst thing I've read, trust me. The thread is just flawed with stuff that's already happened in threads, not enough details, and overuse of one element. Anyways good job guys and keep up the hard work. If any of ya'll want to discuss the thread in more detail DM me on Discord or PM me and we'll schedule a voice chat.
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#8
Closed!
Thanks for participating guys and gals~!! OM will be distributed shortly!


HK-47(272)
Frozen Fool +200
Past Unbound... +350
5833.09 + 550 = 6383.09

Marisa Kririsame(342)
Frozen Fool +200
20225.9 + 200 = 20425.9

Ash(207)
Frozen Fool +200
Past Unbound... +350
55911.75 + 550 = 56461.75

Shantae(80)
Frozen Fool +200
16206.01 + 200 = 16406.01


Since both threads were on the shorter side, we are only giving out the smaller amounts.
We greatly appreciate your input and encourage the writers of the topics to take these critics into consideration for any future projects.
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"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"
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