Hello There, Guest! Register


Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Bash me or not bash me (C&C)

#1
I'm a stickler for constructive criticism, which is why I invite any and all who are willing to click on my profile, click on my posts, and simply pick and choose which ones you would like to critique from there.

This is an ongoing thing too, so I encourage everyone to take a look. See what you have to say about them. And be sure to tell me so,improvements can be made!
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#2
Bumping as it's been a couple of days.
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#3
I swear I'll have more time after this tourney :)
[Image: sig2.jpg]
Reply

#4
Roster
Overall the roster is good, the design, the ideas and execution are all well. I am not the one to consult on grammar and punctuation, but I haven’t noticed any major mistakes on this part too. The biggest problems I have seen are similar patterns of sentences and word combinations, as well as a couple of ‘consistency’ mistakes, that might just be typos (you refer to “Frozen Over” as both frozen ocean and town later) and tautologies (wick…wick…wick). Aside from that both the style and the writing is good and what little mistakes (“everyone” instead of “anyone”) don’t impact the impression in a major way and the roster creates a solid, well defined impression of the character. On writing note: try to refrain from using word ‘very’ unless absolutely necessary.

(I am shamelessly stealing some design ideas)

(Atk description – check the first sentence for consistency and the rest for typos. “Can’t kill everyone” – replace “everyone” with “someone”.)

Nexus topic.
I chuckled far too much reading this, I suppose I just like the style. Pretty much the same “mistakes” as the above, but it is made up by far by the actually humorous stuff and a good usage of switching points of view around to show the same situation.

Topic 2, ururu edition

Same as before really, but it has become noticeable that you are getting better, as the amount of mistakes I noted before is reduced from “everpresent” (they were actually in almost half sentences in the roster) to “roughly one in five paragraphs”. The depiction of Ballad’s reactions is priceless.

Topic 3, those damn kids edition.
The writing has again noticeably improved, but you were either tired, or didn’t proofread much of this, as the amount of typos and misplaced words increased somewhat. Again, I fucking love this guy. Favourite quote “Which was, in all actuality, the bottom of a frozen lake”.



All in all your writing in itself is really good, but you could use some work on the grammar and general wording. I would suggest finding something that can show you the synonyms for words you use too frequently.
[Image: wzGKapL.jpg]
Reply

#5
Think I'll bump this again. I haven't been given a proper bashing! *sarcasm*
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#6
All the bumps.
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#7
Yo man, I'm certainly not ignoring this. As long as the Colosseum is going on, it's gonna be fairly busy for MOST of the people that regularly do C&C. We are NOT ignoring you. I really wanna help you out.
[Image: sig2.jpg]
Reply

#8
Well, I don't want this thing to die, do I?
[Image: sanssig.png]
i may be all alone
but i'm here to tell ya honey
that i'm bad to the bone


B-B-B-Bad to the bone


New to the Omniverse? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me and I will assist you in any way I can!
Reply

#9
Alright, time for some BASHING!

Just kidding,I'll be nice.

First of all, you have really great descriptions, really vividly describing the surrounding and actions of each character. Here are a few examples that really stood out to me:

Quote:Koal Lynch breathed in through his nose, smelling the lovely fall air as it passed through the trees. The sunset had just passed over the horizon, basking the area around him in a brisk twilight. The wind created beautiful whistles as it traversed the forest, with the clapping of his horse's hooves against the dirt path providing a tranquil beat to his journey. He felt like leaning forward, placing his cheek against the horse's crisp mane, and closing his eyes. Just so he could enjoy the peace while it lasted.


Quote:Ballad hardly had any time to reflect on his nightmare before his ears rang with the sound of an approaching beast. He peered at the entryway he had created the day beforehand; his bisque eyes shining like the moon as they caught the sight of a tall man riding on horseback. Whoever he was, he wasn't the one he was looking for.

Quote:As he continued talking, Ballad slowly felt his chest cave into his body as the man talked about offering to share stories. He diverted his eyes away from the man, inconspicuously looking down towards the earth before quickly adjusting them to look back at the man. The glow in his eyes seemed to grow less intense, as if something had flipped a switch and dimmed their lights. Before the man could comment, however, Ballad made clear what he thought of the deal.

Really solid detail and attention. HOWEVER( yeahhhh, here comes some bashing :twisted: ), you tend to reiterate often and add in previously stated details. Cutting out those unnecessary words can be extra helpful during a fight, where every one counts.

For example:

Quote:Confusion raced through the inner workings of his brain as he stared at the man, who was just about to climb up. He had taken off of his jacket, revealing a black shirt that matched perfectly with the shadows of the night. The wind had finally stopped blowing, allowing an eerie quiet to sap the landscape as the man started climbing up the tree. Ballad couldn't help but notice how the man seemed to expertly slither up the bark of the tree, especially on tree limbs that even Ballad had a hard time keeping steady on. Ballad seemed to nod in an appreciative manner before promptly shaking his head, as if to knock the view out of his mind.

Again, great detail. However, a few things, tree seemed to be said a lot. Once you have established that the setting is a tree, subjects such as bark, or limbs(though perhaps wooden would be a better substitute yo avoid confusion). One other thing that I should mention is that you tend to only call Ballad, well Ballad. Mix it up a bit, call him the gunsmith, the green sharpshooter, etc. With this in mind, it can be rewritten like so:


Quote:Confusion raced through the inner workings of the gunsmith'shis brain as he stared at the man, who was just about to climb up. He had taken off of his jacket, revealing a black shirt that matched perfectly with the shadows of the night. The wind had finally stopped blowing, allowing an eerie quiet to sap the landscape as the man ascendedstarted climbing up the tree. Ballad couldn't help but notice how the man seemed to expertly slither up the bark of the tree, especially on the thinnertree limbs that even the green sharpshooterBallad had a hard time keeping steady on. Ballad seemed to nod in an appreciative manner before promptly shaking his head, as if to knock the view out of his mind.

As long as you establish certain unique or unchanging facts early on in your writing, you don't need to refer back to them later in the paragraph. I would recommend checking for word repetition , but other than that you have some really solid descriptive writing there. Character is good too, with how you show the subtle actions that Ballad does that gives away his thoughts and feelings. Looking sharp!
[Image: giphy.gif]
Reply

#10
Ah, what the hell. Bump
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#11
In honor of Undertale winning Best Game Ever at Gamefaqs, I have bumped my critique thread once more.
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#12
Merry Christmel.

Bumpo
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#13
So, I am more or less done with Ballad's storyline (aside from one more post that won't be in Camelot.)

So, if anyone is willing, I would like a C&C of the thread linked here <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4949">viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4949</a><!-- l -->

Doesn't have to be the whole thing, but you can if you want to.
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#14
[Image: w6twn6.jpg]

Because why not?
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#15
I admire your persistence, sir. Is there a thread that you're looking for critique of specifically?
[Image: mokugakure.png]
[Image: iVYCKow.jpg] 
[Image: HeroesGraveyard.png]

Reply

#16
Kakashi Hatake Wrote:I admire your persistence, sir. Is there a thread that you're looking for critique of specifically?

When in doubt, just be persistent hehe.

Anyways, this thread is the one I'd most like C&C'd <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4949">viewtopic.php?f=17&t=4949</a><!-- l -->
[Image: sanssig.png]
i may be all alone
but i'm here to tell ya honey
that i'm bad to the bone


B-B-B-Bad to the bone


New to the Omniverse? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me and I will assist you in any way I can!
Reply

#17
Day 4 - The Gunsmith's Gamble

Some general commentary:

For starters, I have to say that one of the best things about your writing is that you have no 1-dimensional characters, something that I have a HUGE problem with personally. I really liked that the bandits weren’t all just cackling Bond villains or generic psychopaths, it really make the story much more enjoyable to be able to see both sides of the story. The relationship between Jensen and Agern was especially interesting to me. They’re clearly not just strawman bad guys; they’re just doing a job for the country that they love.

I also really enjoyed the dramatic change in Ballad’s personality through this. From what relatively little I’ve read of yours lately, his personality didn’t really resonate with me and I didn’t know much about his motivations. This story REALLY helped out in that regard. It makes Ballad a much more tragic and complex character, not just some crazy gunman.

The exchange in the tent between Ballad and Immy was really sweet. It was nice to see that someone was starting to crack Ballad’s tough guy facade. And oh boy, that scene in the field of flowers. Such feels. Masterfully done, man. And then GAH, the twist! THIS is why the guy has trust issues. Why did you do this to me?! xD

The last part of the saga really played out like a movie to me (that’s a good thing). Very fast-paced and interesting. Ballad’s resolve to end all suffering was a really interesting realization. I’m really looking forward to what you’ll be doing in the Frozen Fields.

Alright, on to the short remarks/nitpicking:

Quote:If anything, he felt like he had two voices inside his head. Each one with a contrasting idea on what he was supposed to be doing. One would cry for him to keep moving, the other would cry for him to turn back A disembodied shout to kill followed by a radiant saint urging him to make peace. Both fought within the battlefield of his consciousness, trying to see which one could prevail. Even here, in a world where he was immortal, could slaughter countless people if he found the effort to try, and the ability to cheat time to generate innumerable objects, food, and drink. Even here, conflict found its way to his doorstep. Like an old friend who believes that they had grown apart. And no matter how many times he would shut the door and tell it to go away, it would stubbornly return until he acknowledged its presence. It was a cycle that never ended.
This is a really solid paragraph. It clearly paints the picture of the constant struggle that Ballad has in his subconscious.

Quote:When he opened the lid, he saw blood. Blood as clear as the morning sky. He smelled smoke. He tasted death. And he hid away. Like a coward.
Just a flat-out excellent couple of sentences. Very simple, yet poignant.

Quote:"FUCK OFF, YOU PERSISTENT SHIT!" Ballad responded in kind. He did not have the time to start up an interesting conversation about politics or the weather when he was busy stuffing bullets into the chamber of his revolver.

This bit made me laugh. Has a very PTSD-war-veteran-yelling-at-a-girlscout vibe.

Quote:It had been three days since they found him, and a lot had happened.
The only major recurring issue that I can really highlight in you writing would be that not every conjunction needs a comma before it. You’d only need a comma if the two clauses were independent (if they had their own individual nouns). In this sentence the second clause is dependent, so you wouldn’t need a comma. Not a HUGE issue, (I’d rather have too many commas than too few =P) but it can disrupt the rhythm of the sentence.

Quote:“Another group of two patrons stroll into the bar,”
This isn’t really a recurring issue, but take care to keep the tense consistent.

Quote:"Really?" Ballad said, feigning interest in the subject. A third group silently walked into the bar, this time with distinguishing features. One of them was fairly bulky, and stood tall over the other, more lean figure. A long cloak overlapped over his back, though no attempts were made to hide his face, which had wrinkles, and no facial hair. His eyes were green, …

Dialogue should generally be kept separate from descriptive paragraphs. This helps the writing ‘flow’ and helps a reader grasp the material more easily.

Quote:"You might want to leave." Tender said sternly. He had pulled Ballad forward by the shoulder, which given the circumstances the gunsmith didn't mind too much. The sharpshooter stared at Tender for a little bit, seeing concern in his eyes before whispering "Right..." and standing up from his bar stool.

When introducing a new speaker, start a new paragraph.

Quote:"Hey." A voice called to his right.

Sorta nitpicking, but it should be [“Hey,” a voice called…], as it is all one sentence, with the dialogue tag ending it.

Quote:“Without warning, the older man gripped his cloak from the front, tossing it off of him, revealing a full set of black plate armor”
You pack a lot of description into your sentences, which is a good thing. However, it can sometimes be hard to read. You can round these sentences out by adding some conjunctions and tweaking the tense. I’d recommend something like “Without warning, the older man gripped his cloak from the front and tossed it off of him, revealing a full set of black plate armor.”

Quote:The hill had a large hole in it. One made entirely of stone.
Generally, use of sentence fragments is not 100% correct, but is perfectly acceptable as a stylistic choice. I’d just say be cautious with them as when done correctly, they’re brilliant but they’re a very difficult thing to place without ruining the tempo of the sentence (not that that’s what you did, but I thought I’d mention it.)

Quote:There was still a good amount of civilians
In the case of something countable like civilians, you’d use the word ‘number’. ‘Amount’ would be used for something non-countable like fire or sadness.

Quote:He hoped it lasted. He didn't want something like this happening again.
A pair of short sentences like this (i.e. sentences that ‘rely’ on each other for meaning) can be joined with a semicolon to improve the tempo. If of course you chose the length of these for a style choice like I mentioned above, ignore this. Side note, the pair of sentences right after this I think is an excellent example of fragments done right: “Not to anyone. Not to Camelot.” Sounds so cool.

Quote:"You know why I'm here... Agern. Your... rabble have done an...adequate job with the work you've always wanted. But... it's not enough, is it?" replied the specter, its voice echoing throughout the landscape.
This again might just be a personal preference more than a rule, but I’d put the unquoted bit in the middle of the quote. Something like this:

“You know why I’m here...Agern,” replied the specter, its voice echoing throughout the landscape. “Your...rabble have done…”

I think it keeps the sentence ‘balanced’, if that makes any sense.

Quote:"I have done plenty."

"No... it really isn't."
I really like the way you handle back-and-forth dialogue for short sentences like this. It makes the speech seem ‘quicker’ and keeps everything moving. I’d only caution that if you have more than 2 speakers it can get confusing (that’s not an example of 2+ speakers, but ya’ know). However, longer sentences like the follow:

Quote:"I know your desires! I KNOW what you wish to do! WHY FIGHT IT?!"


should have the speaker mentioned. Given, you can usually infer who is speaking by the order of the speech, but a few times I found myself having to re-read a sentence to make sure I had the right speaker in my mind. Just keep an eye on that.

Quote:However, his group were well-known, or at the very least had enough of a reputation that bribery was more than enough to sway anyone nosy enough to take a look inside.
In this instance the group itself is being described as a unit, so you’d use ‘was’ rather than ‘were’. If the sentence read “the men in his group”, you’d be correct.

Quote:”That might be preferable.” He replied as they ran down the hill, with the girl making some odd, reverberating noise which captured a laugh from the gunsmith.
You have a good few sentences in your posts that use sentences like this. While there’s nothing really too wrong grammatically, you might consider removing phrased like “which did x” as it seems to be too much ‘telling’ and not enough ‘showing’. You could remove the word and tweak the stuff around it to something like this, which I think flows better:

“That might be preferable,” he replied as the ran down the hill. The girl made odd, reverberating noises as they ran, capturing a laugh from the gunsmith.”

Overall, this is a really really excellent storyline. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
[Image: mokugakure.png]
[Image: iVYCKow.jpg] 
[Image: HeroesGraveyard.png]

Reply

#18
Because I like to learn more and more about writing, I would love it if anyone who is able/willing to to review my posts in the thread The Dead and the Damned, listed here: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=4247

(Also, shout out to Weiss and Ruby Rose for being awesome writing partners despite the long wait times!)
Reply

#19
Bumpity bump bump buuuump.

(That Dead and the Damned Thread is still up for review, btw.)
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply

#20
Monthly bump is very much monthly.
C&C Thread

New to OV? Need a question answered? Want a C&C of your work? Send a PM to me!

O FUCK ITS THE PICKLE MAN

[Image: qyz-0Cg6.jpg]
Reply



Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread:
1 Guest(s)


Mobile Version
All rules pages are ©Greg Harris. All copyrighted characters, names and locations are property of their respective copyright holders.
Forum software by © MyBB Theme © iAndrew 2016