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New Age Book Club - Winter - Decemember 2019

#1
Welcome to the Book Club here on the Omniverse!!

It's a new staff, new year, new situations. So why not New Book Club? After some trial and error, I've tossed out yet another attempt. I'm going rogue!!
Please don't tell Daniel...


RULES!!

In addition to the usual OoC Rules of Conduct, we encourage helpful, well-considered, constructive feedback with both positive and negative comments. Please try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and overly negative feedback is highly discouraged. What we are looking for are patient people who can look at a piece objectively but with a delicate and tactful touch to their criticism. Anyone who is found excessively ruthless in their commentary will find themselves unable to participate. 

If we have picked a piece that you participated in as well, you are allowed and encouraged to join in on the activities as long as there are more members involved than just yourself. This is because self-criticism does not count toward the 150 minimum words as covered by the guidelines(See below).

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Good', 'Great', or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and an individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder for staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.


Book Club Material

How we will be choosing the new submissions will vary on activity among the current members. Know that we are searching the entire Omniverse, new and old work alike, for a variety of stories. Our agents are watching the accolades, recent stories, and reaching into the achieves for possible threads.

We are not just looking for the best stories that the site can provide us with, as writers we should hone our ability to give feedback in a professional and personal way. By doing so we can offer our voices and experience to those around us, and give an example of what kind of criticism we'd like in return for a later date.

If anyone has any stories they'd like to offer for future book clubs, please PM Dust or Moon Knight with these suggestions.


REWARDS

By participating you will earn Bonus OM, naturally.


200 or 300 OM will be rewarded for the Short Story of the month, depending on the size of the thread. Threads that belong to this category can be anywhere from 3,000 words to 10,000 words or less.

350 or 450 OM will be rewarded for the Novella of the month, depending on the size of the thread. Threads that belong to this category can be anywhere between 10,000 words to 30,000 words.

500 OM will be rewarded for the Seasonal story. This reward can only be claimed one of the three months the story will be featured. This category can be 40,000 plus words with no upper cap. 

As a completely voluntary activity, feel free to review one, two, or all of the three categories. We do ask that you specify which one you are participating and make it clear which one you are criticizing at any time. Generally with some sort of coding or labels. Do not feel as if you need to do all three in one go, post twice/thrice if you wish to do all three this month.

The bonuses will stack accordingly, but we will only honor one Seasonal bonus per three months. (They will follow the seasons: Summer, Winter, Fall, Spring.)


Entries

Short Story
Jak and Party are on a quest!! Let's see where this goes. [url=https://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php...#pid143470]The Precursor's Salvation[/url]

Novella
Ricter starting off in the Tangled Greens: [url=https://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10697]Two Wrongs[/url]

Seasonal!
As a reminder, this thread will be available through all of Winter. [url=https://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10691]Under The Cheerful Town[/url]
[Image: source.gif]
"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"

#2
Hi, yes this is your friendly neighborhood kleptomaniac here to talk about The Precursors Salvation.


So lets start with the pro's of this story. All in all it's a good enough read with the strongest point being Daxter as the Indiana jones knock off. They were the most enjoyable part of the story while also keeping away generally from the angst.

Now while I did read it and enjoyed it enough to not drop the thread you definitely need to work on your grammer and what words you use. I could definitely see words that were redundant more often than I would have liked. Another thing i'd like to point out is the heavy use of angst in my opinion alongside a few of the things that were shown like ash. if I had to give advice on what I would have done with the fog was make it something similar to the swamp episode in aang where the group gets split up due to hallucinations. Use everyone's greatest desire or want and have them deal with the challenge.

Once they complete the challenge they get a item required to get to the temple and a path to said temple. This is just me spit balling ideas but I do feel for what you were doing your thread did it well enough.

All in all it's a decent thread with some decent ideas in mind just not as well done as I feel jak was going for which hampered the overall read.
                                            [Image: tenor.gif?itemid=10243242]
"While shooting concentrate your mind, gently muttering the spell to the Mini-Hakkero. Aiming at someone you don't like, a magicannon of love will be unleashed!"

#3
THE PRECURSORS SALVATION

Mechanics: 
Needs some work. A lot of what I have to say can usually be handled by an extra read through to make sure all the P's and Q's are straightened out. But the short story is that there's a lot of easily made mistakes that I think J-Girl could have redeemed by going over it a couple more times. Lots of missing quotation marks and there were some issues with not knowing who was speaking.

Plot/Pacing:  
It was all over the place in pacing, to be honest. One minute they are riding through a giant slide of mud/chocolate, and another they are arguing nonsensically. A good way to edit this is just making as many connections as you can in the story, and grounding the scene. There was a lot happening, but it was confusing. Again, taking a step back and re-reading it to make sure it makes sense is the easiest way to do edit this.

Note: When doing a quest, pay attention to the quest's details. Use that to your advantage as best as possible.

Characterization: 
Props for bringing the spirit of Jak and Daxter into this. There were scenes that made sense for the characters, just not the setting. Or the quest. The characters did feel lively and you brought your A-game in this category!

Aesthetic/Creativity: 
See above, basically.
There was a lot brought to the table, a lot of good things. It was just hard to read with all the grammar errors and lack of attention to detail in your writing. Keep it up though, you have done a lot of growing as a writer!!

Final Comments: 
I would personally not award this with any of the quests rewards because you did not follow the requirements. We didn't even see where the map came in to play. That may be because it happened in an earlier thread? If this is the case, try to avoid doing that in the future. The Quest was to find the map, visit 4-5 large natural landmarks, and then find the treasure. I don't remember any of the landmarks besides a stack of beer bottles/cans. Which Jak and company made.

Other than that, I applaud you for putting yourself out there the way you have. Good job!!
[Image: tumblr_maolcpnQS61qakj1do1_500.gif]

Warning: Anything that involves Ash should be rated M. Possibly higher.

Erik Vrell: Ash has a 'love' fourth dimensional shape//As in its wide and unfathomable for us mere mortals

Centurion/Venom: Look, Lassie, you and your overrated succubus are gonna get stomped so hard Ash's morality is gonna mirror back again.

#4
Precursors Salvation

Where to begin with this... 

It is fairly clear from an early point that you had an idea in mind for each of the individual posts, and the ideas, for the most part at least, were rather interesting. I personally hoped you were going to go into a lot greater depth with each of them and was buckling up for a fun ride each time, just for them to end.


You did have a pretty good feel for each of your characters though they would oftentimes blur together due to poor grammar and use of quotation marks. You also had a tendency to bring in a variety of points in from past dramas... Now don't get me wrong, drama can be a great read, but you need to let it come to a more natural conclusion and not a 'ok we all agree now. Yeah now let's move on and pretend none of this ever happened.'

As for the overall storytelling, it was fairly disjointed and never really flowed very well. There were several instances where a random announcer came in, and while I understand it was meant as a bit of comic relief, it ended up just breaking any hope of immersion into the story and would often ruin the mood you had worked on creating.

I feel like I need to make this last bit extremely clear. You are not a bad writer. Far from it. I faced off against you at your best and you have truthfully earned my respect. This work, however, felt very rushed and more of a 'let's just get this over with' type of story.

While I still look forward to future stories from you, I feel this one, as is, does not earn quest rewards or any bonus modifiers.
In battle it is important to keep a sharp blade

But it is by far more important to keep a sharp mind.

#5
Time to talk about Two wrongs

The first post: You're a good writer Ricter I have to say. You know how to set up a story and while I'm not a large fan of the giant posts I can tell that it helped to give your post a lot more descriptive leeway allowing you to help describe the scene. Simon is from the first post I've read an enjoyable. Another thing I could tell was every so often was you'd have a mistake or a word that didn't mean what you wanted. For the number of words you put out it's good that you've kept your mistakes to a minimum. This is all I have for the first post.

Second post: One thing I see that I'm not a major fan of was the retelling of the raptors being dangerous it made for redundant storytelling and I would suggest next time either showing them tearing up a rabbit or something or writing once that they are highly dangerous and people go missing and when they do turn up only a bloody mess is found. Same as the post before grammar mistakes were found though the only thing I can say is proof read and if you want have someone else read it for you.

Third post: AS the other two posts you have some word and grammar mistakes. I can't say I liked it or hated it but the long posts make it a slog to get through at least personally.

Considering it's a large slog and i'm sure most of my points would hit over the same point's I've made already I will be cutting this short. I think it's good/great the grammar mistakes were obvious enough that it caused problems reading it which is my reasoning for the bonus.
                                            [Image: tenor.gif?itemid=10243242]
"While shooting concentrate your mind, gently muttering the spell to the Mini-Hakkero. Aiming at someone you don't like, a magicannon of love will be unleashed!"

#6
Book Club is Closed.

Thanks for your help guys~
I will give out OM as quickly as possible.
[Image: source.gif]
"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"

#7
Taloc
19562.38 + 200 = 19762.38

Ash
58676.50 + 200 = 58876.50

Marisa
23949.84 + (200 + 450) = 24599.84
[Image: source.gif]
"Centurion: I'll leave you to your work then Dust. Thanks for chatting!
Me: no problem. stay awesome!
Centurion: It's more of a passive ability"



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