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Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

@Ricter can you please fix the Link that is associated with your log? Please message me or bump this once your Purchases Log is more easily accessable
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Fixed it, I also have the link in my signature as well. Sorry about the inconvenience.
Ricter CasengerPurchases LogATK: 1 • DEF: 7 • SPD: 3 • TEC: 3
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[NPC][LiN] Email: Zubair el-Sahli to Victor Wolfe
Personal Storyline; seeking Participation Bonus
Participating characters: Zubair el-Sahli (secondary) [P/D log] | Victor Wolfe [P/D log]
Total character count including spaces: 11,514 [Zubair el-Sahli (4,896) | Victor Wolfe (6,618)]
Total word count: 2,013  [Zubair el-Sahli (810) | Victor Wolfe (1,203)]
As you got older there were days of cold surrender
Days of shrugged whatevers folded in with days of shocking splendor
But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view
By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew
Yet there were moments
There were these pure arresting moments when you stepped outside your head
Outside your pain, outside control, outside the bullshit, out of body, out of rage
Outside the need to get it, get it? You will never get it, that’s okay.
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Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10216
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal storyline
Participating characters (please list): Gabriella (Demetri Mallus), Erik Vrell, Victor Wolfe, Valarie Wolfe
Total character count including spaces: Demtri: 12,532 characters Erik :3890 Victor:22298
Total word count : Demtri: 2380 Erik: 699 Victor: 4174
[Image: LMLzBQ4.gif][Image: psgGbSy.png]                                                                                                                                [Image: 2lvxt0w.gif]
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(06-01-2018, 08:26 PM)Shantotto Wrote: The paper swordsman and the midget mage.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9995

Faction Quest/ Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto, Serraph, Emps
Total word counts: Shantotto (5,231) Serraph (4,163) Emps (197)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (28.901) Serraph (23,467) Emps (1096)

@Shantotto this thread is marked as a Quest; which Quest is it?
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(05-29-2018, 08:21 AM)Ash Wrote: One Hell of a Ransome Note
Personal

Ash the Storm Demon
8,218 words
44,356 characters
Erik Vrell
2,348 words
13,594 characters

I am awarding the Participation Bonus to both participants and the GREAT bonus to Ash.
Ash OM Earned: 887.12
Erik Vrell OM Earned: 135.94


Grammar and Spelling:
All fine here!

Description and Clarity:
I am a fan of the ‘not too much, not too little’ style of description that you both seem to follow. I don’t need to read any more about about sand dunes honestly, I was much more interested in the characters and plots, and that was what you both chose to focus on.

The action was sublime, you both are amazing fighters. I would totally judge your guys fight if you have one.

Voice:
Ash as always takes long, lingering looks at her protagonist, and manages to make it cool. While I haven’t read Erik before, his casual approach to a serious character makes the thread very easy and enjoyable to read. Both writers kept a consistent voice and pacing throughout the thread, and the same theme and style that made it read so exceptionally well.

Character:
First of all, Sand Hawk for NPC of the month. His upbeat demeanor and comic relief ties the whole thread together. You guys both wrote him so well, it was like you were the same writer. Skull Face was likewise a barbaric and interesting villian.

Ash remains a consistently sexy, fiery, yet vulnerable character. You build up her story to the point that the reader becomes invested in her emotions as much as she is.

Erik is a complex and interesting character, and yet I learned so much about him just by being shown in this thread.

Story:
A quirky subversion of a damsel-in-distress quest set in the Endless Dunes. I think it’s awesome, a fully self-contained story that might branch into a long-term plotline or easily fade into history. It was Ash at her sexy actiony best, while pushing forward the character’s personal plots.

Writer Chemistry: Off the charts, you guys write amazing together. Your writing voices are nearly twins.




-Wyatt edit--- KAB[OM]
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(06-02-2018, 09:04 PM)Luci Wrote:
(06-01-2018, 08:26 PM)Shantotto Wrote: The paper swordsman and the midget mage.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9995

Faction Quest/ Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto, Serraph, Emps
Total word counts: Shantotto (5,231) Serraph (4,163) Emps (197)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (28.901) Serraph (23,467) Emps (1096)

@Shantotto this thread is marked as a Quest; which Quest is it?

Joining NB quest
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(06-02-2018, 03:32 AM)Skadi Lufthejt Wrote: [NPC][LiN] Email: Zubair el-Sahli to Victor Wolfe
Personal Storyline; seeking Participation Bonus
Participating characters: Zubair el-Sahli (secondary) [P/D log] | Victor Wolfe [P/D log]
Total character count including spaces: 11,514 [Zubair el-Sahli (4,896) | Victor Wolfe (6,618)]
Total word count: 2,013  [Zubair el-Sahli (810) | Victor Wolfe (1,203)]

(06-02-2018, 12:44 PM)Victor Wolfe Wrote: Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10216
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal storyline
Participating characters (please list): Gabriella (Demetri Mallus), Erik Vrell, Victor Wolfe, Valarie Wolfe
Total character count including spaces: Demtri: 12,532 characters  Erik :3890 Victor:22298
Total word count : Demtri: 2380  Erik: 699   Victor: 4174

I'll get both of these.  I also have Bandit With No Name from the previous page.
[Image: memetrashexclaimationmark.png?width=900&height=604]
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(06-01-2018, 08:26 PM)Shantotto Wrote: The paper swordsman and the midget mage.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9995

Faction Quest/ Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto, Serraph, Emps
Total word counts: Shantotto (5,231) Serraph (4,163) Emps (197)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (28.901) Serraph (23,467) Emps (1096)


I award Serraph Quarrere and Shantotto the Participation Bonus as well as the GREAT bonus for their thread.
I award the Participation Bonus to The Emperor Of Mankind

Serraph Quarrere OM Earned: 469.34
Shantotto OM Earned: 578.02
The Emperor Of Mankind OM Earned: 10.96


Serraph’s Judging

Mechanics: Spelling/Grammar/Rules

About the same level as me, so room for improvement. Like Luci, you write Serraph with an uncommon tense, so I feel your pain.

Plot/Pacing: Excellent. You drive the plot forward very naturally, and while Serraph maybe be verbose and booklike his descriptions are very reader-freindly.

Characterization:
I like Serraph. He is more than a magical bookworm, and we get to see some that in his reactions to the plant disaster and his relationship with Shantotto.

Aesthetic/Description: You stick very naturally to Shantotto’s style. Your action scene was truly, Post #6 was something special.

Creativity: Good marks again for Post #6, which I assume is Serraph using his Cero move? The mysterious woman in your last post was also a very intriguing plot thread to leave drifting around.


Shantotto’s Judging

Mechanics: Spelling/Grammar/Rules
Fantastic

Plot/Pacing: Interesting. You write with the steady narrative of a fantasy novel, but your plot moves at something closer to action-fantasy. Your conversations between characters are generally seem more focused upon than the action. This is ok, it creates a pretty cool effect actually.

Characterization: Fantastic, you really drew me into this character, and were consistent in her motivations and style. An adorable reimagining of a stuffy old wizard, a poised and competent mouse-mage. I would have liked to see her character develop a bit more, but maybe we will see it in a longer thread.

Aesthetic/Description: This is where you really pushed above and beyond. The flowery way you describe the world is in keeping with Shantotto’s character. The way you describe her movements and especially her spells are beautiful.

Creativity:
Another place I think you excelled a lot. The way Shantotto navigates the quest, the way she realistically approaches and overcomes challenges, this fits with her character and draws in the reader.



Writing Chemistry: Fantastic, with a notable exception towards the end. Serraph and Shantotto are made for each other, and the aesthetic of your thread reflects that.

Cool thread!

-----Wyatt Incoming---------
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This just in: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10106
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal storyline
Participating characters: Erik Vrell
Total character count including spaces: 54,809
Total word count: 9,790

Both word and character counts are from wordcounter.net
*The emperor of mankind yeets erik into a sun*
[Today 08:03 pm] Erik Vrell : Bruh
[Today 08:03 pm] The emperor of mankind : don't worship gods
Reply

(06-02-2018, 03:32 AM)Skadi Lufthejt Wrote: [NPC][LiN] Email: Zubair el-Sahli to Victor Wolfe
Personal Storyline; seeking Participation Bonus
Participating characters: Zubair el-Sahli (secondary) [P/D log] | Victor Wolfe [P/D log]
Total character count including spaces: 11,514 [Zubair el-Sahli (4,896) | Victor Wolfe (6,618)]
Total word count: 2,013  [Zubair el-Sahli (810) | Victor Wolfe (1,203)]

Hey Skadi & Victor,

I'll keep my comments brief for this one. 

Mechanics: Decent overall.  I would have liked to see some uniformity of formatting in the From and To lines, but great attention to detail overall.  No glaring spelling or grammar issues to be noted.

Plot/Pacing: Not much to comment on here.  The chain of emails proceeded organically and each question was answered well. 

Characterization: The formality of Vic's responses is definitely a departure from the stories, which I consider to be very excellent character development.  The fact that Vic is a homicidal maniac most of the time, but still shows his diplomatic side in professional correspondence, is a gem. 

Aesthetic/Creativity: Not much to comment on for aesthetic, as this is just emails.  As far as creativity goes, I was thrilled to see how true the questions were to how an actual political interview might go.  Targeted, poignant questions and a great exchange. 

Style: This is my first time reading anything from the Dataverse message boards, but I'm truly sold on the concept after seeing this.  It adds great flavor and a rich layer of realism to the world to have multiple formats through which to express continuity.  I appreciate that you both kept your tone formal.  It was definitely a departure from the other Vic Wolfe stories I've read to see him keeping his composure and not being a goofy maniac—just like I have to be a good boy in my work emails but all hell breaks loose when I'm "out of character."  Good stuff. 

Too short for any bonus other than participation.  I removed the Subject, From, and To lines from the calculation (with Vic's assistance) because they don't vary from post to post and shouldn't be included in a bonus in my opinion.


Bonus: Participation (+50%)
OM Earned: Victor (5,926 characters) 59.26 OM; Skadi (4,121 characters) 41.21 OM


EDIT: The OM has been Visioned
[Image: memetrashexclaimationmark.png?width=900&height=604]
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(05-29-2018, 11:24 PM)Ricter Wrote: Limits of Skill
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Ricter Casenger
Total character count including spaces: 96,898
Total word count: 18,576

I AWARD THIS THREAD THE GREAT BONUS
OM EARNED: 968.95

MECHANICS (SPELLING, GRAMMAR, RULES): Much better, and thank you for not using colored text. On that note, there is something you can do to help differentiate speech, and it happens to be grammatically correct. You just add a new line when a new character is speaking. Check out the spoiler below if you are interested.

ORIGINAL
Again, causing him to take a moment of reprieve before he would rear up again for more attacks, the battle was beginning to get a bit more heated as Ricter avoided another slam from them, all the while calling out. “This is insane! What will any of this accomplish!?” Of course the other doctors behind the glass could hear them, Dr. Sorrel soon pressing a big button on the other side, letting the speaker turn on again before saying, “As much as you think it will, keep it up, your doing well.” However instead of stopping the microphone and allowing it to cut off she would turn back to the other doctors asking them.

WITH LINE BREAK

Again, causing him to take a moment of reprieve before he would rear up again for more attacks, the battle was beginning to get a bit more heated as Ricter avoided another slam from them, all the while calling out. “This is insane! What will any of this accomplish!?”

Of course the other doctors behind the glass could hear them, Dr. Sorrel soon pressing a big button on the other side, letting the speaker turn on again before saying, “As much as you think it will, keep it up, your doing well.” However instead of stopping the microphone and allowing it to cut off she would turn back to the other doctors asking them.


PLOT/PACING:
This is my favorite part of reading your threads. You would expect a 18k word thread to be very flowery, to have over-descriptive writing. You would expect the plot to drag on, with the action being sparse and most of the thread building suspense. This is not the case with this thread. If anything, your descriptions are sparse and you have little inner-dialouge. Literally the whole thread is plot and action, it doesn’t slow down at all.

CHARACTERIZATION: This is a broad catagory, covering both how well you stick to your character, as well as how much they grow. I think Dr Sorell was an intriguing character, who more than once broke the trope of a typical lady doctor. I know that introspection is not a big part of your writing style, but I would have liked to see a little more character development from Ricter over the course of 18k words and a possibly traumatizing adventure.

AESTHETIC/DESCRIPTION: Here we have good and bad. Your description of the treant dying was beautiful. The actions scenes were outstanding. I think when it comes to the visual aspect of telling a story, you’ve got it down. I think you should apply the same skills you have with describing the visual aspects of the story to describing the emotional aspects of the story.
CREATIVITY: Top marks. From the characters, to the plot, to the setting, everything was very unique.

OVERALL: It’s great to see you using the Omniverse as intended; for fun and epic storytelling. Looking forward to reading more from you!

*Fiscal irregularities resolved!*
-Kelly
President of the Westside Knife Ear Warriors

[Image: V4Dvvfy.gif]

Westside: Join or Die



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(05-29-2018, 03:15 PM)Bandit With No Name Wrote: Sands of Change
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10211
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Bandit With No Name
Total character count including spaces: 31368
Total word count: 6771

Hey Bandit,

Mechanics: A little shaky here and there, with a good number of careless errors.  It's easy to see you have the knowledge and the skill to avoid this stuff, so if you're looking to improve in this area I would suggest a quick proofread before posting.  Overall, you are a strong mechanical writer.

Plot/Pacing: I'm afraid there isn't much of a plot here.  To me, it seems like this thread is all beginning without much middle and end.  I know this is because you had to make it to Dante's Abyss (a common sight these days, stories cut off just when they're getting good), so I wouldn't deduct any points in this case.  In the future though, keep in mind that you'll receive a better score by submitting stories with a definable plot (i.e., don't try to game the OM system too hard :P).  

Your pacing is very quick, with a disproportionate amount of dialogue.  This will be covered more in the last two categories, but suffice it to say you will benefit significantly from slowing down your pace and fleshing out the world around your characters, their thoughts and internal opinions, etc.

Characterization: This category is often used to discuss how your characters grow from start to finish.  This can be reflected in changing attitudes, new perspectives, surprising revelations, and the like.  But an often overlooked part of characterization, and one at which you really excel, is the ability to differentiate between your characters—to give them unique personalities—to allow conflict between them, once in a while, to impede progress—and to showcase their interactions in a realistic way.  This part of characterization is your greatest strength in this brief story.  There is conflict, sometimes without resolution.  There is humor and bare satire in the scenes in the club in Carrefore.  There is raw emotion in the exchange between Bandit and Caret when Bandit makes her inauspicious return to the Dunes.  All of your characters stay true to themselves, and do not waver when there is a compromise to be made or a shortcut to be taken which might progress the story quicker.  You're patient in keeping things solid.  Your dialogue is realistic, sharp, and often witty, if perhaps a little too vulgar.  I found myself laughing out loud when Bandit and Caret were running their white trash routine in the club.  It was also really excellent to see the difference in philosophy between Bandit and Shepard.  I could go on for a while in this section, but you get the gist. 

Aesthetic/Creativity: As touched on in the plot/pacing section, you sacrifice a lot of your aesthetic with the lack of description.  I get that it can be tough, particularly in the Dunes, to find fun new ways to describe sand, but when reading your story I found it hard to picture the world, the town, what your characters experienced with their senses, and so on.  There were flashes of brilliance in this regard, and you did take care to keep me aware of where we were at any given time.  The description of the club when they first walk in and even the short blurb about 'a waning moon dangling in the cloudless sky' demonstrate your great potential.  Try to squeeze in more of that juicy description to break up the rapid pace of your dialogue and you'll make great strides.

You get top marks for creativity.  From start to finish, everything felt both unique and real.  The stark contrast between your characters and their environment when in the club was a touch of genius, easily deserving of an Exemplary.  Digging into the philosophy behind the Omniverse is something I really appreciate and something we don't see enough of around here.  It's obvious you have a great picture in your head of what's going on and how you can use elements of the Omniverse to enrich the story.  

One slight note I want to make here.  There's a bit in your story where your character pays for drinks with raw Omnilium.  Just wanted to point out, while that isn't technically non-canon a secondary would have no use for Omnilium and that struck me as an example of interweaving the OV elements a little too much.  I had to check on this with Alex, who said it's fine but not necessarily a recommended approach.  Just food for thought.

Style: This category sort of draws from every other category except mechanics, and I use it to discuss where you stand out stylistically from other writers and where you can edge up your shortcomings to put out a polished, finished product.  In general, not to sound like a broken record, I think you lean too heavily on your skills at writing characters and dialogue.  Your truly, truly excellent characterization is inhibited by a rapid pace and lack of descriptive elements, so I feel it never quite reaches its potential.  Try interspersing the writing with more hefty chunks of description to break up the pace and better immerse readers in the scene you're setting for them.  And last, but not least, keep expanding the philosophical elements.  It's a (mostly) unique touch that is very cool to read.

If you like (or hate, or anywhere in between) the way Luci or I grade your thread (format, content, etc.) please send a quick PM or Discord PM with your feedback.  This helps us mold the system into one that can best serve everyone on the OV.

Irrespective of word count, I believe this thread is worthy of an Excellent bonus, carried up from Great by your sheer prowess in writing characters and dialogue.  Give me a long story with a defined plot and some juicy descriptions, and you'll have an Exemplary in no time.

Bonus: Excellent (+75%)
OM Earned: 470.52


---Wyatt Edit---
[Image: memetrashexclaimationmark.png?width=900&height=604]
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(06-04-2018, 07:11 AM)Erik Vrell Wrote: This just in: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10106
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal storyline
Participating characters: Erik Vrell
Total character count including spaces: 54,809
Total word count: 9,790

Both word and character counts are from wordcounter.net

Yo! guest-judging this one to help get things up to date for DA!

I have elected to award this thread EXCELLENT (75% bonus OM)

Erik Vrell: 822 OM

Mechanics: pretty good imo. There were a couple misspellings and one or two times where I had to read back through to understand exactly what you meant do to a mixed up word. But its nothing that more careful proofreading wouldn't catch.

Plot/Pacing: This is perhaps the hardest thing for me to judge about omniverse threads, due to their nature of not being a singular story most of the time. I appreciated the tone, where you kept a comedic bent with Sandhawk and the Team Bandit situations, only to turn it around by making Emperor Scorpion actually a threat. Up until the last two posts it feels like a nicely cut episodic show. (complete with character antics and the main character smiling) then due to the nature of the omniverse, we shift tones as you make the explanation for your new weaponry. I'm all for that, btw, its a well designed couple of posts and shows just how far Erik will go for his goals (and his general lack of understanding of the risks) So I don't want to say that the last two posts are bad in and of themselves. They just almost feel like they are part of a different storyline.

Characterization: There's a reason Sand Hawk is making such a stir over in the accolades thread. He's a very well done npc, with a good sense of comedic timing. I thought I was going to get annoyed by him after the first post, but the character evolves over the thread, and his 100% willingness to break his own arm into splinters to defeat the boss completely fits with what has been seen of the character so far. You also did a good job of having each character straight man for the other, Erik realizing how much posturing Sandhawk does, while the bandit realizes how little Erik is worrying about lodging an unknown barbed object in his spleen.

Aesthetic/Creativity: Though I can't say that the plotline itself has any real surprises, that's not the point of the thread. This is a feel-good romp with a colorful cast of NPCs, and I appreciated the creativity that went into their creation. 

Style: I've read a few other threads with Erik in them, and I appreciate your understanding of his power level in the Omniverse. You do a good job of placing him consistently above average, but still leaving him open to mess-ups and bad situations. I have noticed also that your threads tend to lean towards a light irony, whether it be in interactions or the situations etc. This can certainly work in such a bizarre place as the Omniverse.

You got a good thing going here, kid! Keep at 'em!
If history is to become legend, it first must be recorded.
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Dead of the Night... Silently Happening
Personal
Participating characters (please list):
Promise and Ryan are NPC's of mine.
11,789 words
62,156 characters
[Image: tumblr_maolcpnQS61qakj1do1_500.gif]

Warning: Anything that involves Ash should be rated M. Possibly higher.

Erik Vrell: Ash has a 'love' fourth dimensional shape//As in its wide and unfathomable for us mere mortals

Centurion/Venom: Look, Lassie, you and your overrated succubus are gonna get stomped so hard Ash's morality is gonna mirror back again.
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Bump!

I think this one might have been overlooked?

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid133675
[Image: Remote_Sensor_Tower_and_the_Fire_Warriors_2.png]
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(06-06-2018, 12:23 PM)Reece Wrote: Bump!

I think this one might have been overlooked?

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid133675

It's in progress, Luci is grading.  Thanks for the reminder!
[Image: memetrashexclaimationmark.png?width=900&height=604]
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(06-06-2018, 12:20 PM)Ash Wrote: Dead of the Night... Silently Happening
Personal
Participating characters (please list):
Promise and Ryan are NPC's of mine.
11,789 words
62,156 characters
(Already read this, and Ash wants the bonus for DA)

Mechanics: Generally good here. I found it a smooth read.
At most, there were one or two minor tense changes - just where you typed an 's' instead of a 'd' and spellcheck probably didn't pick it up. But I wouldn't say they subtracted anything from this. For example:
"Ryan slapped the button to open the door and readies himself."
Plot/Pacing: You start off in some action and seamlessly manage to inject information (such as flashbacks or info about your characters) without it seeming like blatant exposition. It's never dull. But, while your characters have a clear aim and goal and work to fulfil there, there are many general unanswered questions that lead to a lack of fulfilment at times. Why is there a small city in the Frozen Fields? Why are there Zombies? Sure I can guess that was a mining institute hidden away somewhere - primarily filled with secondaries who haven't really left the area. And I could guess something like, "hey, it's near the pale mores, a zombie could have wandered over through the gate". I guess what I'm trying to say is - while this is a strong beginning of a story, it struggles to fit well into the world it was written in.

Characterization: This is, without a doubt, the strongest aspect of this thread. One of the struggles with writing an original NPC is that you have to try and define your character without just throwing information at the reader. For primes or unoriginal characters, they have their character sheets or an already known personality. Here, I think you did a good job of introducing Ryan and Promise, showing Promise try to cope and become more confident as the thread progressed as well as her blooming friendship with Ryan.

Aesthetic/Creativity: Your general tone often feels more like your recounting a story, so for some of the action scenes it almost feels a bit detached. A lot of it is you telling the reader what's happening, and while I can generally understand it, I think you could add some more detail at times to really drive a point home. Some situations could have used a bit more showing and a bit less telling - particularly when it comes to what your characters are feeling. I might know Promise is scared or in shock, but instead of just telling me, you could say something like, "her bones locked up in fear" - it doesn't have to be all the time, but at the more important moments, it doesn't hurt to be more vivid. Zombies are cliche. I wouldn't call this the most creative work out there - there's nothing about it that jumps out to say wow to me, at least for the premise and general ideas behind it. You're a good writer, but you're not the only person to write something with zombies so it's unlikely your story will be special. But, in my opinion, that doesn't matter and might actually be a good thing: less work on the setting and general themes but more work on the characters, which are special.

Style: Most of what I had to say here is summed up in the other categories. While your writing is never particularly flashy, you're good at telling what you need to tell. Some more references to the scenery would be nice, as I found it hard to picture at times, but outside of that, I can't add anything to what I've already said.

Overall, this was a really fun read, and I grew to like your characters. If you held off posting this for a few days and kept working on it, you could definitely have had a shot at exemplary. I might have sounded a bit pessemistic, but I wanted to at least try and offer some genuine thoughts and feedback (however rambly). Pls write a part 2.

Bonus: Excellent (+75%)
OM Earned: 932 OM
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(05-29-2018, 03:29 PM)Gilgamesh Wrote: The City of God: Repairs and Rebuilding
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10050
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Ahana, Gilgamesh, Drake Oneir
Total character count including spaces: 62149 (Ahana), 20355(Gilgamesh), 4274 (Drake)
Total word count: 11495 (Ahana), 3508 (Gilgamesh), 729 (Drake)


I award the GREAT bonus to this thread for Ahana.
I award the participation bonus to Ahana, Gilgamesh, and Drake.
Ahana OM Eearned: 1242.98
Gilgamesh OM Earned: 203.55
Drake OM Earned: 42.74


Although I’m not grading Drake, it was a very cool cameo and Dudgeon is a badass npc.


AHANA GRADING

MECHANICS (SPELLING, GRAMMAR, RULES): Ooh, first-person present-tense. I see you switch tenses sometimes, like at the start of your last post. I don’t think it’s a mistake though, I think it is Ahana reflecting on the past few moments, so pretty cool effect actually.

You use elipses (the three dots…) sometimes when I think you mean to use a semicolon, or even a comma. You also use a lot of commas, which is ok, but anytime you have an odd number of commas in a sentence you should check your sentence over to make sure it reads correctly. There are a few times when your comma use confuses me; consider using ‘and’ sometimes instead of commas.

PLOT/PACING: Good. The pacing is slow but consistent, and you use your slow pacing to paint a very beautiful picture. I think that your pacing is not as well suited to fight scenes though, and I wouldn’t mind if it was a little less wordy. The second fight post was better I think.

The plot was perfect for what it was, a slice of life post with action and character development.

CHARACTERIZATION: Ahana is an instant classic. Your slow pace and first-person perspective lets the reader get to know her very well. Her crush on Gilgamesh is both funny and dark, and you stay consistent with her character through the whole thread.

AESTHETIC/DESCRIPTION: Great marks here. You slow down and describe the world around Ahana, and it really pays off. The first time I noticed was in your description of Gilgamesh and the townsfolk, describing him through Ahana’s eyes was really cool. I think later down the line you had to drop some of your descriptiveness in favor of pacing, which is a fair swap.




Gilgamesh Feedback

MECHANICS (SPELLING, GRAMMAR, RULES):
Not bad.

PLOT/PACING: Your pacing is mid-range, not overly fast or slow. It makes for a good, but not as easy read. I like that, although Gilgamesh speaks kinda flowery, the rest of the tone of thread is not.

CHARACTERIZATION: It’s interesting to see what is going on behind Gilgamesh’s monarchal mask. I also like that Gilgamesh is a complex character.

He is fiercely protective of his people, telling the townsfolk to go inside and being concerned for Ahana. He also has the capability for extreme hatred, like he had towards Dudgeon.

Bonus point for Dudgeon, definite candidate for NPC of the month.

AESTHETIC/DESCRIPTION: Lacking a bit. There were definitely descriptions that I liked, but sometimes I wish there had been more. My favorite post was #5, the descriptions were amazing.


WRITING CHEMISTRY: I think you guys write great together, even if Ahana’s posts were quite a bit longer. Ahana and Gilgamesh are natural character’s together.

EDIT: EnVisioned
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Requesting bonuses for Participation + Exemplary for all who qualify. Thanks so much!

Link to topic: The Last Avenger and the World of Omni: Homecoming

Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline

Participating characters (please list): Sasuke Uchiha, Kuzuru, Erik Vrell, Victor Wolfe 

Total character count including spaces: 139,730 (Sasuke: 76,131 Kuzuru: 54,717 Erik:3,736 Victor: 5,146)

Total word count : 24,154  (Sasuke: 13,044 Kuzuru: 9,507 Erik: 650 Victor: 953)
Dante's Abyss 2015
   GRAND CHAMPION   
[Image: Sasuke_DA_zpsb4vizgxd.png]       
Mark Twain Wrote:"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
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